Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.

January 10, 2011 § 1 Comment

This is a topic I wouldn’t normally share with many people. It’s sad and I don’t like to talk, or think, about sad things. But today I woke up to a fresh blanket of snow on the ground and I get to stay home from work because we’re closed and I get paid for it. So I’m in a relatively chipper mood and I think I can probably get through this without being depressed. Plus I’m drinking orange juice which for me is much like Popeye and his infamous spinach.

I’m sure if I sat down to think about it there would be quite a few things I could think of that I would have to forgive myself for. After all it’s human nature to make mistakes. But this particular thing comes to the front of my mind first and foremost because it is, in some ways, recent and the wounds are still healing.

If you know me well than you know I got married pretty young. (At least I think getting married at 22 is young.) Now I’m not going to unravel the spindly story of my marriage but it boils down to this: I got married to a nice guy. He was young as well. We were married for two years and he left me a few weeks after our 2nd Anniversary. The marriage itself wasn’t entirely bad. We were pretty good at being friends but not so great at being in love. I was still learning how to be with someone in a way that meant I had to make sacrifices or at least meet in the middle ground. A lot of the time I was pretty selfish. Not to mention I was controlling. I saw things happening in a way that bothered me and tried to control my way out of them. Yeah, that wasn’t such a great idea in hindsight. I still do it now to some degree but the amazing thing is that the older I get the more I realize when I’m doing those things – and am humble enough to apologize. That’s pretty new too. I wasn’t always good at apologizing either.

So what it boils down to is that I’m not perfect. And no, I don’t expect that any relationship can possibly be perfect and I don’t apologize for that. But what I need to forgive myself for is that I was young and learning – and sometimes I’m too hard on myself and blame the entire fallout on myself.

I’m human. I make mistakes. I was blessed with a good, solid 10 months alone to figure myself out and now I’ve been blessed with a second chance. I have a great guy who makes me laugh and best of all loves me for who I am and lets me know that every day. So I guess it’s time to forgive myself and move along.

So here’s my advice for today.. We’re able to change our circumstances. That’s one of the miracles of being part of the human race. We have the power to change things. Making choices is a great power but leads to making mistakes as well. It happens. But we hold on to things for too long – we feel badly about ourselves and punish ourselves inwardly and even sometimes outwardly. But for what? We can’t go back. We can’t erase the past. All we can do is live in the present, make better choices and look forward to a brighter future. Yes, it’s easier said than done but like I say – practice makes perfect. So today, whatever you’re holding on to… just let it go.      Let. It. Go.

You’ll find you feel a whole lot better. And what else is there to look forward to but being happy?

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